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Not all of us are adept at handling or managing power, not because we can't, but because we ourselves have rarely had suitable role models

Disciplining a child is a delicate process and is one aspect of parenting that we feel uncomfortable about, because the power imbalance between adult and child is so stark. Not all of us are adept at handling or managing power, not because we can't, but because we ourselves have rarely had suitable role models. Discipline is woven into the fabric of people's lives, it's a way of relating to the world outside and ourselves, it is not a separate experience of parenting. It permeates every aspect of the parent-child relationship and is reflected in all interactions. Discipline is really about helping a child learn about the concept of balance and what it means. When alertness and balance have not been integrated into a child's upbringing, disciplining methods are used to bring a situation gone awry back into a state of harmony. What we realize only in retrospect is that an inappropriate method of discipline or introducing discipline too late in the day could send the situation into serious disarray. The root of all confusion is fractured communication and understanding.

Perhaps one of the most palpable dilemmas is about punishment and the forms it should take. Parents adopt different styles of discipline and punishment based on what they themselves have learnt in their childhood, or as a reaction to what they were exposed to. If one's parent was extremely authoritarian, inflexible and used physical punishment, then as a parent one might either imitate that, or rebound the other way to become extremely lenient. Either way one is not responding originally or creatively to creating balance in a child's upbringing, or in one's parenting style. The art of discipline is something a parent can learn only by being able to discipline oneself in a wholesome, healthy, and compassionate manner; every style of parenting is a reflection of one's own self-perception.

Styles of discipline.

Parents have to understand that discipline is not an exhibition of vindictiveness, as your children would like you to believe. It is something that one needs to do as a parent. You may not top your child's list of favorite people but this and all the ambivalent feelings of anger and frustration you experience are natural. The child may initially throw tantrums but the discerning ability of when to be soft, and when to come down hard, should not be lost. Children often say a lot of things they don't really mean. Take it with a pinch of salt and stick hard to your disciplinary technique. Later you may want to revise it or discard it, go ahead.

Whether you adopt a Hitler-like authoritarian attitude where your word is law, or attempt to be democratic and encourage discussion and participation, or simply don't enforce any discipline at all, as a parent you are probably aware that any one style of disciplining a child does not work. Methods of discipline have to be molded to the needs of the situation, the context and the emotional and psychological level of the child.

Some things to keep in mind when wanting to discipline a child:

Before you react to a situation, stop, and take time off to think about what the real problem is, what has really gone wrong, and what does the child really need to learn or understand?
Understand your own reactions to this situation? Does the child show you a mirror? Are you in fact responding to a behavior pattern or personality trait that you and the child share?

The most common discipline styles that parents adopt are: authoritarian, democratic, and laissez faire. An authoritarian style is controlling and strict where strict rules are in place, the parent's word is considered law, and punishment is doled out for 'breaking the law'. In a democratic approach to discipline, the parent provides more room for discussion and dialogue, and the child has room to voice his opinion. In a laissez-faire style, the parent does not really provide any discipline, and does not enforce any form of normative behavior or rules of any kind. As a general rule in life extremes are not helpful. A moderate and balanced approach to discipline is what is required.


			Children become manipulative: Children have an uncanny ability to judge when adults really mean business, they know exactly how much they can push their luck before you will come down upon them like a ton of bricks. However, even though it is a common situation it is not necessarily a good one. Anger often makes the parent regret what they said or did in that moment. Angry parents say nasty things to the children that they wouldn't otherwise. Parents make exaggerated threats, which they have no intention of sticking to. There is also a tendency to make absolute statements like "you never listen to anything I say" which make the children even more defensive and reactive.

Parents loosing their cool make children realize how much they can affect the parent. Sub- consciously children begin to use this knowledge and wield it's power over their parent. So it is a game they can begin to play to know and to reassure themselves, that you as a parent really care. A child might do or say things that he knows will upset you simply for your undivided attention; even if that attention comes in the form of anger. Children are also able to use frequent temper outbursts of the parents to their advantage. In all likelihood, when you as parents loose your temper it also becomes a good way for the children to keep you off balance. Children also try to use their parents' anger, and especially the 'cooling down' phase when parents experience remorse for their behavior, to get what they want. Beware of this and watch your anger!
Anger lowers credibility

Frequent outbursts of anger also diminishes your credibility. Often, the point you are trying to make does not have any impact on the child because it is buried under so much bluster and it often gets confused with other issues you may raise. Sometimes raised voices are less effective. Your children become almost immune to your shouting, yelling and the losing of your temper. A parent will be taken more seriously if he or she uses a more mature, calm, no nonsense manner. Anger can be an exhausting experience. Frequent losing of temper can leave the parent very tired, where either one becomes less tolerant- flying off the handle at the slightest pretext,or one has no energy to say anything. Either way anger is not a good thing.
Anger is not the solution

The problem with this style of discipline is that it becomes a habit. You and your child both know what is going to set you off, but your child has become apathetic and accustomed to your temper. The entire purpose is defeated when the child listens to you not because he thinks it makes sense but because she/he knows that it is a matter of routine and wants to get over and done with it as soon as possible. A good way of breaking this pattern is to have certain rules and boundaries that have to be consistently followed. Parents also have to be aware of their own double standards because children are very clever and can spot hypocrisies very quickly. If you are saying one thing and doing another then that is the message you will pass on to your children or worse still, they will lose all respect for you.

An incident from childhood

Your child has done some thing very wrong and you are about to burst into anger, just stop before thinking of acting in a rash way. Stop, go to your room lock the door and take a deep breath.

Put on some calm soothing music
Take a deep breath, imagine that your breath is a golden light moving in from your nostrils and reaching down to the pit of your stomach. Slowly allow the light to fill up your entire body as you continue to breathe it in. Feel yourself becoming calmer and lighter.
Then imagine you are sitting on a big bird and it is taking you back to your childhood home. You start picturing your favorite scenes from childhood.
Then think of an incident where you had done something which upset your parents.
Think of the disciplinary action that they took against you. How did you feel? How did they react to you? Did you get hurt? Did you think what they did was the right thing to do? Be aware of the emotions you felt at that time.
After you have done this, switch off the music and think of what disciplinary measure you should use with the child. A technique which will make sure that the child doesn't get away with what was done yet at the same time the measure should also not be irrational and exaggerated in proportion to the naughtiness or damage done by him/her.

Remember that as parents we are most likely to bring up our child like our parents brought us up. We have thought that to be the correct method but we forget the hurt and the anger we experienced in childhood when we were being disciplined in the way our parents thought fit. What we forget is that we too felt fear, shame and guilt, and we often felt that whereas discipline should have been firm it could also have been gentler, private and more understanding of our faults and limitations.

Creative, Compassionate Discipline

Creative ways of disciplining are the best ways of making the child feel the pinch of discipline without shaming the child.

If your child has been staying up late and watching movies - you can either scold him/her or a more creative solution would be to tell them that they have to write at least 200 words about the movie. The more movies they see, the more they write.
If your child is constantly getting into fights in the school and is being punished by the school - You can get angry at him, beat him and tell him how he has humiliated you or a more creative and helpful exercise would be to give him a pillow and shut him in a room and ask him to shout and hit the pillow thinking of all the people he dislikes, and why he dislikes him. Does hitting a pillow make him feel calmer? Does it make him less angry the next day?.
If a child is reading comics whilst he should be studying you could confiscate his comics or you could tell him/her that he/she has to do one chore of the house. Either dust the entire house or a room, or get the milk, or wash the car. Tell the child the chores will intensify if he/she does not balance his comic-reading.
Your adolescent child is coming home late. You can either ban him/her leaving the house for a week or you could tell him/her that his/her allowance will decrease by five rupees for every minute that he/she is late.

These are just some of the ways that we can suggest. You would know your child better and could create new and more innovative and creative, rather than destructive methods of letting your child know when you disapprove of something that she/he has done. You have to be strict with these rules, or the child will take them lightly and disregard them. Follow the rules with firmness and with sincerity but gentleness. The child should feel the pinch but doesn't need to be humiliated in the process.