PARENTING | The Family Frame | Gender Stereo Type

We think of ourselves as men and women on the basis of how our bodies look. We behave in 'masculine' or 'feminine' ways that have been taught to us by society without giving our behaviours any thought. Many of us begin to think that "typical" masculine behaviors for men (being physically strong, liking guns, being into sports etc.) and "typical" feminine behavior for women (enjoying make up, being shy, unable to look after herself etc.) are instinctive and predetermined by our biology and genes. But in fact ways of thinking and feeling about ourselves as men or women are what we learn from the environment we live in.

Gender is one of the most important aspects of personality. It conditions and controls our entire response to life. Distorted notions of male-ness and female-ness lead to us being subjected to much violence, trauma, discrimination, and disempowerment in our lives. And we learn these distorted notions from the society we live in, the books we read, the movies we watch, and from the families we grow up in. Children learn what they see around them, so family is the best place to educate them about healthy and affirmative perceptions of gender. Parents can be the most powerful models of gender equality, respect, and empowerment for children.

We constantly hear that men are strong and good at sports and anything physical, women are emotional and caring, more responsible, diligent about their work, and are better at verbal and artistic skills than boys. We tend to ascribe values and attributes to male and female bodies. We assume that because women can reproduce and give birth to children, that caring, love, compassion are female qualities. Men are physically stronger than women, so we assume that men are stronger and powerful at all levels.

Sex is an act, and sex is an indicator of the biological differences between human beings. Gender is the social, cultural values we associate with these bodies, and determines our behavior far more deeply, as the examples above show.

Boys don't wear pink they wear blue.
Boys don't cry, they're tough.
Boys play and love sports.
Girls should be lady-like.
Girls are delicate and need to be protected.
Girls should know how to cook and clean.

Above are examples of gender stereotypes. When we assume that men or women have certain qualities and personality traits just by the sheer fact of being born a certain sex it is called gender stereotyping. A gender stereotype is a fixed, social and cultural norm about men and women. Stereotypes do not mostly arise out of truth, but even if they do, they tend to be over-used and over-generalized leaving no room for change in perception and certainly no understanding or respect for the principle of individuality.

Most of us are raised as men or women on the basis of stereotypes. This colors our ambitions, the way we think, what we choose to wear, what our hobbies are, what academic interests we have....basically just about, everything. By enforcing stereotypes at home and in the family, parents effectively limit their child's potential. The potential for courage, compassion, honesty, nurturing, adventure, self-awareness, emotional intimacy, lie in both men and women. We know, for example, that women can make as good Doctors as men can. We also know, for example, that men can make extremely good hairdressers. Emotions, vocations and professions need not be limited by what our sex is. Both boys and girls can and should be made aware of their individuality and of the range of talents available within them that they may access.

Parents too are very much a part of this society which conforms to social pressure regarding gender. Parents begin the socialization process for children. It all starts with how boys and girls should behave.

All these are a list of stereo types, which begin to govern our lives. Those of us who refuse to conform to these stereotypes face innumerable pressure from within and outside the family.

A girl who is loud and aggressive is constantly told to be like a girl and be gentle and sweet, otherwise no man will marry her. If a boy is sensitive and homebound, people think he is effeminate, weak and probably homosexual. If he loves doing household chores, his friends and family tease him and make him feel ashamed. The pressure therefore on children to conform is incredible and if they don't, then they are known as 'rebels', 'black sheeps' etc.

The pressure on men to be masculine, to fight and be strong, regardless of how they feel, is what creates violence in society. The pressure on women to conform to patriarchal values, to remain socially disempowered and vulnerable is what makes them the target of so much violence and discrimination in life. Gender stereotypes teach men and women how to be who they are not. It distances them from their feelings, their true desires and knowledge of their selves.

Self-confidence: Encourage her often, using words that describe the characteristics that you want her to develop ("That was so brave of you to….."). Let her know that you have complete confidence in her, and that she's both bright and capable.
Self-sufficiency: Make your little girl feel competent. Let her do whatever she can on her own. You can provide her with hints or the necessary equipment and opportunities, but let her accomplish tasks on her own.
Physical Fitness: Even girls who are still too young for organized sports can benefit from the sense of adventure and excitement that comes from scaling the playground slide, running races, and turning a succession of somersaults. Don't tell your youngster that climbing trees for example, is not lady-like, let her explore and enjoy the freedom of her body.
Decision-Making Skills: Let your daughter make choices and urge her to take responsibility for the decisions that she makes. Women rarely experience the confidence that comes from making decisions and taking responsibility for them. Even within the arena of home and family many women cannot take decisions unilaterally.
Curiosity: Provide your daughter with plenty of chances to explore her environment. When she's an infant or toddler, babyproof your home thoroughly so she can safely roam the house. Take trips out into the world--to the local library, the park, or the zoo. Stimulate her appetite for learning with books, movies, an experience of the world around her and engage her in discussions that will allow her to express herself.
Body Image: Don't focus on the importance of physical appearance. Talk to your daughter more often about what she can accomplish than how cute she is in her party dress. Girls are bombarded with stereotypes of how physical attractiveness is the key to "real" femininity; at home, let your daughter grow up feeling that who she is is more important than how she looks.

Physical Affection: Little boys need as much cuddling as little girls, so comfort your infant son when he cries. Spend time playing gentle games with him. And don't stop the snuggling as your little boy gets older.
Consideration for Others: Explain how his actions may affect other people. Research shows that when a girl misbehaves, she's told that it may have disturbed someone else ("You're hurting her feelings"). Boys are simply disciplined, and often with physical punishment. When they are punished, children tend to focus on how angry they are rather than learning the effect that their misbehavior has on their parents or playmates.
Skills for Peaceful Resolutions: Provide your son with constructive ways to work out conflicts. If he goes through a hitting or biting stage, as many toddlers do, explain that hurting isn't tolerated and suggest some other (safe) ways to express his anger.
Responsibility for his Actions: Be careful of double standards. If you find certain behaviors unacceptable for your daughter, they should be so for your son, too. Never use the excuse "boys will be boys" to pardon unruliness or unkindness.
Expression of Emotions: Encourage your son to express his feelings--including crying. If boys get the message that feelings of sadness are not tolerated, they wil learn to repress these emotions as adult men. Demonstrate that the expression of all feelings is okay for both boys and girls.
Respect for Women: Teach boys to respect women. Beginning from their mother and extending to all interactions they may have with girls and women. Boys need to be taught to respect women as mothers, sisters, friends and individuals.