PARENTING || New Age Living | Single Parenting

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dealing with single parenting Parenting is the world's most complicated full-time job that comes with no instruction manual, no holidays, and on-the-job training, rather, trial-and-error. And as a single parent you have taken on the responsibility of two people, a truly challenging position. There is a vast range of issues that single parents have to deal with and perhaps there is nothing more but trust in yourself, courage, and honesty that guides your path. Nevertheless, you might find some of these ideas, information, and perspectives useful, especially if you are just starting out.

By being a single parent, either by default or by design, you have challenged our favorite institution - the Great Indian Family, a space that is undergoing much renovation in urban India. Despite the gradual change in urban Indian families we are also blessed with a deep sense of connectivity through extended family, like parents, aunts, cousins, and even neighbors, who make the experience of parenting easier.

So apart from all the logistics of running a home and raising your child, you are also having to deal with the stigma of being single and protecting your child from the ostracism that might result. Whether you are an unwed mother, a divorced mother/father, an abandoned wife, widowed, or simply have a partner living in another country or city, there are a whole range of personal issues that require your time and attention.

single parenting - a truly challenging position

Children from single parent homes have to face stigma, embarrassment and discomfort in not having one parent. Apart from the social ostracism are their own doubts and conflicted feelings about the absent parent. How you talk about the other parent is vital not only in making a child feel secure and safe, but also in terms of their developing perception of men or women, the notion of family and connected-ness and intimacy. Here are some pointers in talking about the absent parent.

1. Take some time to evaluate your own feelings about the absent parent.

2. Don't avoid questions from your child about their absent parent. Answer them or tell them when you will answer them if you need some time to think about what you will say.

3. Try and separate your feelings from the facts. It is important for a child to make his own judgements about an absent parent.

4. Don't volunteer more information to a young child than they can handle. The simple statement "Amma doesn't live here because she has a job in Mumbai" may be enough to satisfy a young child.

5. When talking to an older child, be factual and tell the truth.

6. Use "I" messages when talking about the absent parent. "I felt like I was unhappy when we were together" is better than "Your father made me unhappy" to prevent the child from forming an unnecessarily negative image of the other parent.

7. If a child has never met his or her absent parent, offer some pictures or some type of connection if they ask for it.

8. If you feel you cannot be objective when talking about the absent parent, enlist the help of a friend or family member.

9. Some things may be too painful to talk about. Don't feel as if you have to share all of the details with your kids, wait till they are older and can understand. Especially in cases of domestic violence, abandonment or extra-marital affairs and separations, be cautious in the kind of information you give your child; as children get older they may be able to absorb the truth of the pain or shame you might have faced.

Remember that children are constantly bombarded with images of "happy families" comprising of both parents, and long to fit in and be like their peers. But if as a parent you make the child feel that homes are not made up of mothers and fathers, but of love, trust and intimacy, then the child is more likely to feel confident about his/her situation and the choices you have made. Children from single parent homes have a tremendous opportunity to develop a respect for difference and change if you can allow them to feel secure about who they are and the situations they encounter.

A single parent might feel, or be made to feel, that his/her children are growing up without the benefit of a parent of the other gender, and that this could lead to some sort of imbalance in their psychological or emotional development. This does not necessarily have to be true, there are many homes with both parents where either one or both fail to be positive gender role models, express a sense of love, comfort and security for the child and fail to contribute in a positive way to the child's emotional development.

It is possible for an individual to be able to express the masculine and feminine for the child but for a more complete experience it is useful for the child to have male or female role models. Here are some ways in which you can give your child access to role models of both gender: Role Models

Other family members (such as grandparents, aunts, or uncles) can provide the time and the kind of attention children need. You may want to plan special times for your children to be around these family members.
Family friends can also help. You may have good friends of both sexes who would be willing to spend some time with your young children.
When you ask a friend or relative to spend time with your children, remember that it should be a woman or a man you feel would set a good example. A boy with no father needs a man to imitate, just as a girl with no mother needs a chance to be around women. So it is important that the person you choose be someone your children can respect, someone that you want your children to be like.
Remember that the people who spend time with your children should not only be people you like, but should also be people your children like. Children will try to be like the people they love and respect. Spending time with someone they dislike will not help your children. Also, you should choose men or women who really care about your children, who accept them as they are, and who can give them experiences that are both alike and different from the ones you provide for them.
Films and books can be great sources of inspiration for children through fictional or historical characters in them, so select interesting avenues for them to explore the lives and histories of great men or women. There are also a number of well-known celebrities and historical characters who have been raised by single parents. There are also religious/spiritual icons and Masters and stories and fables from the epics that provide exceptional role models for children.

There are many single mothers who have to raise sons, and the situation could be a little more complicated for them. Given the social and cultural expectations of a boy to have role models and guides who are male so that he may develop into what is socially deemed to be a Man, a single mother could in fact provide a range of unique experiences to her son about masculinity, femininity, and where the two meet.

Accept your son's differences
Never make him the man around the house. True, you want to teach him to grow to be man, but there is a distinction between being the "little man" and being responsible for things that adults are supposed to do. Your child is not your confidant, your knight in shining armor, or your rescuer. Especially important for the newly widowed or divorced, correct people if they suggest that now your son "is the man around the house," or that he should "take care of Ma." Such messages can load a boy with the burden of having to grow up too soon, or worse lead him to believe that it is a male prerogative and responsibility to "take care of" the women in the home. By being a strong and confident mother you are showing him that courage and strength are not "male" traits alone.
When you look at your child and see his father's face, it's okay to get a little emotional. After all, if your absent partner gave you anything of value, you're looking at it. Let your son know how important he is to you.
Point out the positive qualities in men you see on a day to day basis. This means that even if you're buying your son shoes, and the salesman is especially attentive or friendly, point this trait out by mentioning what a helpful person he is, or "Isn't this man very nice?"
Be a little creative in helping your child learn guy stuff. For instance, many single mothers report concern over their son's using the potty while sitting, or playing with their makeup. Chances are, your child won't spend the rest of his life peeing sitting down or wearing mascara. Homosexuality doesn't exist because you didn't monitor the morning makeup sessions!
Realize that your son may be looking for men he can relate to and spend time with because perhaps he does feel the absence of a father-figure. This does not mean that he does not love you or have time for you. Role models are important and will be found in every aspect of your son's life. Boys need men, but not necessarily fathers. Just because a father lives at home does not mean a boy is being "fathered." Talk to him about these feelings and give him the opportunity to interact with men you respect and would want your son to be with.
Teach him your values, but let him express them uniquely. He's a male and will respond to emotional situations somewhat differently than you or your daughters might.
Enjoy your time with your baby or toddler by not worrying about whether they are missing out on anything by not having "dad" around. At the same time, try not to avoid "daddy stuff" totally. Even though many children's books feature animal families raised only by mom, it's okay to read stories about all kinds of families to your child.
And remember, in case you have had bad experiences with men, try not to transmit your negative attitudes towards men to your son, even if you became a single mother out of the most excruciating circumstances. As he grows older he will be able to understand more about the complicated situations you might have been in. Rather, use your experience and understanding of men that is freed from anger, guilt, or shame, to impart more wholesome and gender-sensitive messages to your son, so that he does not repeat the patterns that many men are trapped in.

Custody arrangements may not always work in your favor, and as parents our own unresolved emotions about this, bitterness towards the other partner, and a sense of loss of physical togetherness with children live within us in very tangible ways. Sometimes these feelings spill over into our time with our children and mar the space we have with them. Children do not need to sense your negativity towards the other parent - the most likely target. Make your time with your children really special and precious by focussing on building a healthy relationship where you can learn to express your love in real ways, by caring for their emotional and psychological development, rather than loading them with your unresolved emotions. Here are a few tips to help keep joint custody and visitation healthy:

Do not put down what your ex-spouse does or does not do. Children will often keep different hours or eat different things when away for a weekend. Do not make a big deal about the parenting style of your ex because it differs from yours. Bite your tongue and be honest with yourself...will staying up a couple of hours on a weekend night to watch a movies do any permanent damage to your kids? Of course not.
Set and maintain a pick up/drop off ritual and be on time! Let each other know what time you can expect the other to be there. It is a good idea to give the kids a little warning of an upcoming visit so they can get ready. If a child seems distant towards the end of a visit, he or she is probably preparing for the transition to go back to their other home. Discuss children's feelings with them and reassure your children of your love and commitment to them.
Fathers need to spend quality time with their children, even if it is on a limited basis. Fathers are more than a monthly support check or weekend babysitter, they are special. Be a real father to your children. There is no higher calling that a man can strive for than to have his children be proud to call him their FATHER. Make the time you have together with your children special. Take time to plan special activities for them such as a trip to the zoo, or a movie, a cricket game, or a meal. And plan special and interesting activities that they may not always have access to, like white-water rafting, or a trek.. These are activities they may never experience otherwise. Make the most of every moment, and make sure your time together is quality time.
Purchase a pocket calendar or create a calendar page and highlight the days your children will spend with you. This way your children will know when they will see you next. Let the child decorate the calendar or create a scrapbook of your time together, which will sustain them emotionally and remind them how connected they are to you.
Encourage your children to bring homework or school projects with them on visits. This will avoid the easy excuse of "I did not get my homework done because I was visiting my Ma/Baba". This will also keep you up to date on what your child is learning and it will allow you to help them study. You will be far more in touch with their "real" lives and communicate with your child about everyday activities and situations. It will also help to ease the load of the custodial parent with the Sunday-night-after-the-visit chaos that usually involves hyped up children and getting ready for the school week

A new film about Single Parents in India

The issue of single parents in India has largely remained un-addressed because it is a recent phenomenon and urban India is still coming to grips with the new formations of families and social networks we see around us. A new film commissioned by PSBT/Doordarshan, made by Moumita Tarafdar, a Kolkata-based film-maker, is an effort towards raising awareness about the experience of single parenting in India.

Parenting Alone:

Single parenting is a reality staring the urban, educated middle class today. The film, Parenting Alone, explores the customary attitudes and responses to, and experiences of divorced women, single mothers by choice, and widowed women, trying to raise their children. It throws light on the societal attitudes and biases, which have made a significant difference between the parenting obligations of mothers and fathers. Their children would in most cases live with either one of the parents as their educational needs would not make it possible for them to share their time between two cities or two countries, except during holidays.

This documentary includes the lives of single parents of different generations and focuses on their coping techniques. It also shows how children who had to live with single parents developed as strong and successful individuals.

This is also a self reflective documentary, as the filmmaker was raised by only one parent.

What the Film-Maker says about her film: Parenting Alone

This is a contemporary and relevant subject, and one close to my heart. The film looks at women parenting alone and highlights the gender biases prevalent in our society towards 'women without men'. While there are extended family systems that could support single mothers, if she has become single through divorce or separation, or is unwed, there are many levels of ostracism she has to face, and their own families may not accept their choices. Children from a "broken home" face emotional, psychological and social pressure because they do not live in two-parent homes, breaking with the accepted Indian norm. They either fail to negotiate these realities, or else keep a brave face but go through inner turmoil, and blame either the parents or worse, him/ herself.

In a "regular" family the roles are clear and divided, a mother takes the responsibility of looking after the home and bringing up her child. In the case of single parents the mother has to look after the children, work outside the home and run the household. The sheer physical responsibilities she has to face, the social isolation and ostracism and her own emotions about her single status create an enormous amount of pressure for her. The film records the journey of only one single father, a rare phenomenon in India. Men often do not take on the responsibility of child-rearing as it is seen as a 'woman's job', and even when they do, they receive a great deal more credit than single mothers do. Officially, he is the single parent, but the day-to-day responsibilities of child care are managed by women eventually - his mother, sister, or a maid. One of the single fathers I encountered during the filming of Parenting Alone said "it is a natural process for a woman to give a child an upbringing, whereas fathers need some help and counseling."

Being brought up by a single mother I have seen a woman's struggle from up close, and in adulthood found myself finding a network of either single mothers, or peers whose lives matched mine. It is not an accident that there is a commonality between us which works as an unseen bond. This is a personal film, perhaps to help me come to terms with my own experience and to use this process as a space for other children and single mothers who face the same realities and yet find the courage to make their lives special and meaningful.