Ifsha > Talking About Sex

One day I went to my father and I told him, "I want to start smoking cigarettes."
He said, "What?"
I said, "You have to give me money for it because I don't want to steal. If you don't give me I will steal, but the responsibility will be yours. If you don't allow me to smoke, I will smoke but I will smoke in hiding. You will be making me a thief; you will be making me hide things and not be honest and open. I see so many people smoking cigarettes that I want to have a taste. I want the best cigarettes available, and I will smoke the first cigarette in front of you."

He said, "This is strange, but your argument is right. If I prevent it, you will steal. If I prevent it you will still smoke, so my preventing you will create more criminal things in you. But it hurts me, I don't want you to start smoking."

I said, "That is not the question. The desire has arisen in me, seeing people smoking. I want to check whether it is worth it. If it is worth it, then you will have to constantly supply me with cigarettes. If it is not worth it, then I am finished with it. But I don't want to do anything until you refuse; then the whole responsibility is yours, because I don't want to feel guilty."

He had to purchase the best cigarettes possible in the town - reluctantly. My uncles, my grandfather, were saying, "What are you doing? This is not done." They insisted.... But he said, "I know this is not done, but you don't know him as well as I know him. He will do exactly what he is saying, and I respect his truthfulness, his honesty. He has made his plan completely clear to me: 'Don't force me and don't prevent me, because that will make me feel guilty.'"

I smoked the cigarette, coughed, tears came to my eyes; I could not even finish one cigarette, and I dropped it. I told my father, "This is finished. You need not worry now. But I want you to understand that I will tell you about anything I feel so that there is no need to hide anything from you. And if I hide even from my father, then who am I going to relate with? No, I don't want to create any gap between me and you."

And seeing that I dropped the cigarettes, tears came to his eyes. He said, "Everybody was against it, but your sincerity forced me to bring the cigarettes."

It is a simple method. If you cannot expose yourself to your own father and mother - in this whole world everybody is more of a stranger than they are. Your father and mother are also strangers, but they are the closest strangers, the most intimate strangers. Expose yourself to them so no gap exists. This will help them also to be sincere with you.

It is possible that you have your own fears and apprehensions about your child's developing sexuality and needs. Talk to your partner or colleagues who have children of the same age and discuss these fears. It is important that you be aware of your fears and evaluate how rational they are. Face these fears rather than avoid them, for they will continue to plague you, and in the long term destroy your communication with your youngster.

Many parents and teachers are hesitant to impart sexuality education to teenagers and younger children believing that it will lead to greater sexual experimentation and exploration. The reality is that the pre-teen and teenage years are a time of curiosity and exploration, and young people, if repressed, will explore their world in a secretive manner. Young people will experiment anyway, and it is crucial to recognize this fact; so educating them and showing them the risks and benefits empowers them to protect themselves. There is research from the United States that implies that sexuality education does not result in immediate experimentation, rather it leads to delayed exploration. According to a major global study published by the WHO, programs that teach young people about contraception and safer sex do not lead to earlier onset or higher frequency of intercourse. In fact, such programs help young people postpone having intercourse because they are more in position to decide if they are emotionally equipped to do it or not .
Your children are sexual beings and are developing their own identities and needs. You too were sexual at their age, even if you hadn't had sex; you still had fantasies, you masturbated, perhaps were sexually abused, maybe you saw your parents having sex, maybe you were in love with your mother's best friend. These are real situations, but they can be the cause of fear, anger and shame that lasts a lifetime and prevents the enjoyment and intimacy that sexuality can bring. Prevent your child from experiencing these emotions by enabling them to be informed and aware.
Often morality and shame govern our attitudes towards educating young people, but it should be time to put morality aside for a while; it is because of morality and silence that some serious situations exist around us:
1. The spread of HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases
2. Teenage pregnancies
3. Unsafe sexual experimentation
4. Sexual abuse of children and women
5. Unsafe and life threatening abortions

Owing to moral codes we have different standards for boys and girls. We expect boys to be sexually experimenting, and girls to be chaste and virtuous. This is because society reinforces double standards that favor men and boys and suppress women and girls. It is important to recognize that both boys and girls need space and openness to talk about sexuality, not just reproduction. Girls especially need to learn how to protect themselves and stand up for their bodily integrity. When you show that it is "expected" for boys to be sexually curious and experimenting, you are sending a message to girls that they are been discriminated against…by their own parents! Why are girls brought up to protect and honor the family name, but boys are not brought up to respect women and not harass them? Why does a girl get a bad name for getting molested or raped because she is wearing "revealing" clothes, but a boy never gets blamed for it.

The more shameful sexuality is perceived as, the more shame young people will associate with their minds and bodies. They will always be uncomfortable with their sexual responses and needs rather than enjoying them honestly.