Morris asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

Becoming a sexually healthy and responsible adult is a key feature of adolescence, and parents have an important role to play in this developmental process. Especially today when there are more threats to young peoples' safety than ever before, especially HIV/AIDS. Unfortunately, most parents and adults feel uncomfortable talking to children about sexuality because of their own discomfort: after all, no one helped you through adolescence and gave you the space to be open with your sexual needs and attitudes. The task ahead is for you to create a safe space for your child, and provide him or her with a certain understanding that perhaps you never had. Talking to kids about sex is something we all wish we could be adept at, and yet we never know how to find the words or where to seek guidance from.

While there are books and sites that can give you tips and pointers on how to understand children's needs and what to say to them, eventually it is only an atmosphere of honesty and openness in your home environment and a friendship between you and your children that can enable communication on sex and sexuality. This is perhaps the single most important ingredient to discussing sexuality. When a child sees that you are comfortable with the issues involved and non judgemental, conversations get easier.

Sexuality is therefore not just the act of having sex, but it is a vast area that comprises every aspect of our relationships and ourselves; it includes thought, emotions and feelings.

For more information and perspectives check out the Ifsha Sexuality Section or write to us at ifsha@vsnl.com.

Parents are -or ought to be - the primary sexuality educators of their children. From the moment of birth they teach children about love, touch, intimacy, and relationships. Children continue to receive information on sexuality from many other sources: media, school, siblings, friends, religious institutions, toys, advertisements etc, though not all of it may be either accurate or age-appropriate.

Young people enjoy a heady mix of passion, adventure, fear and insecurity in their stormy lives, and they have to face many situations that are unclear and terrifying. Even simple puberty changes throw up deep fears about normalcy/abnormalcy; there are countless young girls who do not know about menstruation, and when it begins, believe that they are dying of cancer! And when a child is scared, he or she usually prefers the care and protection of a parent. You symbolize protection, nurturance, and comfort. Your child needs this and looks to you for help.

The most vital tool we do not give children is a language with which they can talk about sexuality in a comfortable way. Most of us address our childrens genitals with terms that convey shame and discomfort. The result is that children very early on in life develop a discomfort with their bodies, especially their genitalia. In the event that a child is sexually abused, the absence of a comfortable and accurate language and a sense of discomfort with the body can prevent disclosure. Leaving him/her silenced and powerless and the abuser free to violate over and over again. Therefore, by talking to the child about his/her body and equipping him/her with an appropriate language you are in fact giving him/her a chance to prevent and disclose sexual abuse.

1. Recognize your child as a sensible and mature individual, no matter what his or her prior behavior has been. Give him or her the right to be heard, respected and understood.
2. 
   Keep your own reactions in check. Children often push our buttons by forcing us to respond in ways that trigger off a cycle of miscommunication. Take responsibility for keeping this at bay.
   
   
3. Make sure you are informed about the topic you want to talk about and if you don’t know something, say so. Look it up and give your youngster the information later. This will also show that you are interested in communicating with him/her. Have a look at IFSHA’s website section on Young People’s Sexuality.
   
   
4. If your youngster asks you private questions about your own sex life you can choose how much you want to talk divulge. Make sure you keep the child's age and maturity in mind when you share details and describe things in a way that will be relevant to him/her and respectful to your partner. You can also decline to give all the details and mention that as an adult you have a right to your privacy just as a younger person deserves theirs (that is if you keep out of his/her secrets as a fitting example!). Sometimes with younger children facts are more useful and with older ones values can be brought in.
6. If you are uncomfortable talking about certain issues you might want to ask your partner or a colleague to help you out. If you need to, talk to another adult who can help you.
8. Always talk to your youngster in private, or with one sibling that he/she is comfortable with, if they are in the same age-group. Do not hold these discussions with younger children or relatives around. Children feel extremely self-conscious - both boys and girls - and may not want everyone to know what he/she is thinking and feeling. Be sensitive to his/her need for privacy.
10. If your youngster is uncomfortable talking about sexuality (perhaps this is the first time you have made such an effort?), talk about the discomfort on both sides, and how this is a normal experience. Respect his/her need for privacy, and hand over some written informatin instead with the assurance that if he/she has any questions after reading it you will be happy to answer them. Set a date and time for checking up on this.
13. Sometimes, in our own enthusiasm to create openness and communication we may go ahead and broach issues that the adolescent has no desire to talk about. Or perhaps a history of miscommunication between both of you stalls discussions on sexuality. Always check with your child if he or she is ready to talk about these issues. And reassure the child of confidentiality and respect for emotions.
15. Do not judge your child! Judgement destroys his/her sense of self and confidence, and he or she will be unwilling to share things with you again. If there has been a "crisis" or "bad" behavior, look for solutions and help him/her focus on "lessons learnt" rather than destroying his/her identity and esteem, not to mention trust in you. Your adolescent must feel that he/she can come to you in a crisis situation as well.
17. Develop a sense of humor in your child but do not poke fun at him/her especially in the area of physical attractiveness, body image etc.
19. Do not try to impose your standards on him or her. It will always be perceived as your standard and will be rejected on those grounds even if it makes more sense. Adolescents usually want to assert their own identity and ideas: give them that space.
21. Finally, keep drawing on your own experiences as a young person and display the warmth and sensitivity you had always longed for!

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